You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I enjoy the company of your penis
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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