I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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