I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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