why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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