I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
