just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
