loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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