sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
