Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
