last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
