i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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