You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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