I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
