Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
