I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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