She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
