he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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