I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
