I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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