i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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