I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
