I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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