is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
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I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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