my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
