Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
