Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
