Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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