nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
