these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
