even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
