dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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