I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
