i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
