Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
