I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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