My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
