She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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