Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
