i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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