I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
