It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
