I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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