I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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