she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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