Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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