Yo dont text me then not text me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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