a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
