In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize