theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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