Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
