Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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