he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
