I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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