Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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