either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
