i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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