she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
